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Photo by samandriel I challenge you to attempt to be "average." Does the prospect seem unexciting?
Ok -I challenge you to try it for a single day. If you agree to accept my challenge I expect two things will occur. First, you won't be principally successful at being "average . Second, you will obtain significant pleasure from what you do. And if you keep this averageness up, I believe your fulfillment will increase and turn into joyfulness. Think of it this way, there are two doors to illumination and enlightenment.One door is labeled "Perfection," the other door is labeled "Average." The "Perfection" door is flamboyant, fanciful and seductive. It tempts you. You want very much to go through it. The "Average" door seems dingy and boring. Crap, who needs it? So you barge through the "Perfection" door, and always see a stone wall on the other side, you only end up with a nose bleed and a headache. On the other side of the "Average door, in contrast, there's a delightful garden. But it never occurred to you to open this door to look inside! You don't believe me? I didn't think so, and you don't have to. I want you to maintain your skepticism! It's healthy-but at the same time I dare you to check me out. Prove me wrong! Put my claim to the test. Walk through that "Average" door just one day in your life. You may end up amazed! Let me explain why.
"Perfection" is man's ultimate illusion.It simply doesn't exist in the universe. There is no perfection. It's really the world's greatest con game; it promises riches and delivers misery. The harder you strive for perfection, the worse your disappointment will become because it's only an abstraction, a concept that doesn't fit reality. Everything can be improved if you look at it closely and critically enough--every person, every idea, every work of art, every experience, everything. So if you are a perfectionist, you are guaranteed to be a loser in whatever you do. "Averageness" is another kind of illusion, but it's a benign deception, a useful construct. It's like a slot machine that pays a dollar fifty for every dollar you put in. It makes you rich--on all levels.If you're willing to explore this bizarre-sounding hypothesis, let's begin. But beware---don't let yourself become too average because you may not be used to so much euphoria. After all, a lion can eat only so much meat after the kill!
The best place to begin your fight against perfectionism is with your motivation for maintaining this approach. Make a list of the advantages and disadvantages of being perfectionistic. You may be surprised to learn that it is not actually to your advantage. Once you understand that it does not in fact help you in any way, you'll be much more likely to give it up.
Using your list of the advantages and disadvantages of perfectionism, you might want to do some experiments to test some of your assumptions about the advantages. Like many people, you may believe "Without my perfectionism I'd be nothing. I couldn't perform effectively." I'll bet you never put this hypothesis to the test because your belief in your inadequacy is such an automatic habit it has never even occurred to you to question it. Did you ever think that maybe you've been as successful as you are in spite of your perfectionism and not because of it! Here's an experiment that will allow you to come to the truth of the matter. Try altering your standards in various activities so you can see how your performance responds to high standards, middle standards,and low standards. The results may surprise you. I've done this , and in all cases I have been pleasantly shocked to discover that by lowering my standards not only do I feel better about what I do but I tend to do it more effectively. For example, I began jogging in January 1979 for the first time in my life. I live in a very hilly region, and initially I couldn't run more than two or three hundred yards without having to stop and walk because there are hills in all directions from my driveway. Each day I made it my aim to run a little less far than the day before. The effect of this was that I could always accomplish my goal easily. Then I would feel so good it would spur me on farther and every step was gravy, more than I had aimed for. Over a period of months I built up to the point at which I could run eight miles.
Advantages of Perfectionism
1. It can produce fine work.
Disadvantages
2.It makes me so "tight" and nervous.I'll try hard. I'll become afraid and unwilling to risk the mistakes necessary to come up with a fine product.
3. It makes me very critical of myself.I can't enjoy life because I can't admit my successes or allow myself to revel in them.
4. I can't ever relax because I'll always be able to find something somewhere that isn't perfect, and then I'll get self-critical.
5.Since I can never be perfect, I'll always be depressed.
6. It makes me intolerant of others.I end up without many friends because people don't appreciate being criticized. I find so many faults in people I lose my capacity to feel warm and to like them.
7. Another disadvantage is that my perfectionism keeps me from trying new things and making discoveries.I'm so afraid of making mistakes that I don't do much at all besides the same familiar things I'm good at. The result is that it narrows my world and makes me bored and restless because I have no new challenges. Even though I'd go miles over a steep terrain at a fairly rapid pace I have never abandoned my basic principles-to try to accomplish less than the day before. Because of this rule I never feel frustrated or disappointed in my running. There have been many days when due to sickness or fatigue, I actually didn't run far or fast. Today, for example, I could only run a quarter mile because I had a cold and my lungs said NO FARTHER! So I told myself, "This is as far as I was supposed to go." I felt good because I achieved my goal.Try this. Choose any activity, and instead of aiming for 100 percent, try for 80 percent, 60 percent, or 40 percent.Then see how much you enjoy the activity and how productive you become. Dare to aim at being average! It takes courage, but you may amaze yourself!
8. If you are a compulsive perfectionist you may believe that without aiming for perfection you couldn't enjoy life to the maximum or find true happiness. You can put this notion to the test. Record the actual amount of satisfaction you get from a wide range of activities, such as brushing your teeth,eating an Apple, walking in the woods, mowing the lawn,sun bathing, writing a report for work, etc. Now estimate how perfectly you did each activity between 0 and 100 percent. This will help you break the illusory connection between perfection and satisfaction.
9. Let's assume that you've decided to give up your perfectionism at least on a trial basis just to see what happens. However, you have the lingering notion that you really could be perfect in at least some areas if you tried hard enough, and that when you achieve this, something magical will happen. Let's take a hard look at whether this goal is realistic. Does a model of perfection ever really fit reality? Is there anything you have personally encountered that is so perfect it could not be improved? To test this, look around you right now and see how things could be improved. For example, take someones clothing, a flower arrangement, the color and clarity of a television picture, the quality of a singer's voice, the effectiveness of this article, anything at all. I believe you can always find some way in which something could be improved. When I first did this exercise, I was riding on a train. Most things, such as the dirty, rusty old tracks, were so obviously imperfect I could easily find many ways to improve them. Then I came to a problem area. A young black man had his hair in one of those fuzzy naturals. It looked perfectly smooth and sculptured, and I couldn't think of any way it could possibly be improved. I began to panic and saw my whole anti-perfectionist philosophy going down the drain! Then I suddenly noticed some spots of gray on his head. I felt instant relief! His hair was imperfect after all! As I looked more closely, I noticed a few hairs that were too long and out of place. The closer I examined the young man, the more uneven hairs I could see in fact! This helped convince me that any standard of perfection just doesn't fit reality. So why not give it up'? You are guaranteed to be a sure loser if you maintain a standard for evaluating your performance that you can't ever meet. Why persecute yourself any longer?
10. Another method for overcoming perfectionism involves a confrontation with fear. You may not be aware that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Fear is the fuel that drives your compulsion to polish things to the ultimate.If you choose to give up your perfectionism, you may initially have to confront this fear. Are you willing? There is, after all, a payoff in perfectionism--it protects you. it may protect you from risking criticism, failure, or disapproval.If you decide to start doing things less perfectly, at first you may feel as shaky as if a big California earthquake were about to hit.
If you don't appreciate the powerful role that fear plays in maintaining perfectionistic habits, the exacting behavior patterns of perfectionistic people can seem incomprehensible or infuriating. There is, for example, a bizarre illness known as "compulsive slowness," in which the victim becomes so totally bound up with getting things "just right" that simple everyday tasks can become totally consuming.An attorney with this brutal disorder became preoccupied with how his hair looked. For hours each day he would stand before a mirror with a comb and scissors trying to make adjustments. He became so involved in this, he had to cut back on his legal practice so he could have more and more time to work on his hair. Each day his hair got shorter and shorter because of all his furious clipping. Eventually it was only an eighth of an inch long all over his head. Then he became preoccupied with balancing the hairline along his forehead, and started shaving it to get it "just right." Each day the hairline receded farther and farther until eventually he had shaved his head totally bald. Then he felt a sense of relief and let it all grow back again, hoping it would come in "even." After the hair grew back, he would start clipping it again, and the whole process would be repeated.This ludicrous routine went on for years and left him a substantially disabled person. His case may seem extreme but cannot be considered severe. Far worse forms of the disease exist. Although the victims' strange habits may seem absurd, the effects are tragic. Like alcoholics, these individuals may sacrifice career and family to their miserable compulsions. You too may be paying heavily for your perfectionism. What motivates these exacting, over controlled individuals? Are they insane? Usually not. What traps them in the senseless drive for perfection is fear. The moment they try to stop what they are doing, they all gripped by a powerful uneasiness that rapidly escalates.This drives them back to their compulsive acts in a pathetic attempt at giving their perfectionism a chance to find relief. Getting them to normalcy is like trying to persuade a man hanging by his fingers from the edge of a cliff to let go.You may have noticed compulsive tendencies in yourself to a much less severe degree. This can be your golden opportunity to learn about the origin of your fears,using the vertical-arrow technique. Rather than run from your fear, sit still and confront the bogeyman! Ask yourself,"What am I afraid of?" "What's the worst that could happen?" Then write down your automatic thoughts and call their bluff. It will be frightening, but if you tough it out and endure the discomfort, you will conquer your fears because they are ultimately based on illusions.The exhilaration you experience when you make this transformation from worrier to warrior can be the start of a more confident assertive approach to living. However, failures can and do occur in life, and none of us are totally immune. It can be useful to prepare ahead of time for this possibility so that you can benefit from the experience. You can do this if you set things up in a "can't lose" fashion. How can you benefit from an actual failure? It's simple! You remind yourself that your life won't be destroyed. Getting a B, in fact, is one of the best things that can happen to you if you are a straight A student because it will force you to confront and accept your humanness. This will lead to personal growth. The real tragedy occurs when a student is so bright and compulsive that he or she successfully wards off any chance of failure through overwhelming personal effort, and ends up graduating with a perfect straight A average. The paradox in this situation is that success has a dangerous effect of turning these students into cripples or slaves whose lives become obsessively rigid attempts toward off the fear of being less than perfect. Their careers are rich in achievement but frequently impoverished in joy.
Another method for overcoming perfectionism involves developing a process orientation. This means you focus on processes rather than outcomes as a basis for evaluating things. When I first opened my business, I had the feeling I had to do outstanding work with each customer every time. I thought my customers and peers expected this of me, and so I worked my tail off all day long. When a customer stated he benefited from a our relationship, I'd tell myself I was successful and I'd feel on top of the world. In contrast,when someone gave me the runaround or responded negatively to that day's efforts, I'd feel miserable and tell myself I had failed. I got tired of the roller-coaster effect and reviewed the problem and thoughts that were extremely helpful, so I'll pass them on to you.I imagined I had a job driving a car to City Hall each day. Some days I'd hit mostly green lights and I'd make fast time. Other days I'd hit a lot of red lights and traffic jams,and the trip would take much longer. My driving skill would be the same each day, so why not feel equally satisfied with the job I did? I proposed I could facilitate this new way of looking at things by refusing to try to do an excellent job with anyone. Instead, I could aim for a good, consistent effort at each session regardless of how the someone responded, and in this way I could guarantee 100 percent success forever.
How could you set up process goals as a student? You could make it your aim to
(1) attend lectures;
(2) pay attention and take notes;
(3) ask appropriate questions;
(4) study each course between classes a certain amount each day;
(5) review class study notes every two or three weeks.
All these processes are within your control, so you can guarantee success. In contrast, your final grade is not under your control. It depends on how the professor feels that day,how well the other students did, where he sets the curve,etc.
How could you set up process goals if you were applying for a job? You could
(1) Dress in -a confident, appealing manner.
(2) Have your resume edited by a knowledgeable friend and typed professionally.
(3) Give the prospective employer one or more compliments during the interview.
(4) Express an interest in the company and encourage the interviewer to talk about himself. (5) When the prospective employer tells you about his work, say something positive,using an upbeat approach.
(6) If the interviewer makes a critical or negative comment about you, immediately agree,using the disarming technique (The art of fighting without fighting) Thus, when you are applying for work, do not make it your aim to get the job! Especially if you want the job! The outcome depends on numerous factors that are ultimately out of your control, including the number of applicants, their qualifications, who knows the boss's daughter, etc.
In fact, you would do better to try to get as many rejections as possible for the following reason: Suppose on the average it takes about ten to fifteen interviews for each acceptable job offer you receive in your profession (a typical batting average for people I know who have been recently looking for work) - This means you've got to go out and get those nine to fourteen rejections over with in order to get the job you want! So each morning say, "I'll try to get as many rejections as possible today." And each time you do get rejected you can say, "I was successfully rejected. This brings me one important step closer to my goal."
Another way to overcome perfectionism involves assuming responsibility for your life by setting strict time limits on all your activities for one week. This will help you change your perspective so you can focus on the flow of life and enjoy it. If you are a perfectionist, you are probably a real procrastinator because you insist on doing things so thoroughly.The secret to happiness is to set modest goals to accomplish them. If you want misery, then by all means cling to your perfectionism and procrastination. If you would like to change, then as you schedule your day in the morning, decide on the amount of time you will budget on each activity. Quit at the end of the time you have set aside whether or not you have completed it, and go onto the next project. If you play the piano and -tend to play for many hours or not at all, decide instead to play only an hour aday. I think you'll enhance your satisfaction and out put substantially this way.
I'll bet you're afraid of making mistakes! What's so terrible about making mistakes? Will the world come to an end if you're wrong? Show me a man who can't stand to be wrong, and I'll show you a man who is afraid to take risks and has given up the capacity for growth. A particularly powerful method for defeating perfectionism involves learning to make mistakes.Here's how you can do this. Write an essay in which you spell out why it is both irrational and self-defeating to tryto be perfect or to fear making mistakes. The following was written by Jennifer, : "Why Its Great to Be Able to Make Mistakes" -- I fear making mistakes because I see everything in absolutist, perfectionistic terms--one mistake and the whole is ruined. This is erroneous. A small mistake certainly doesn't ruin an otherwise fine whole.
It's good to make mistakes because then we learn in fact, we won't learn unless we make mistakes. No one can avoid making mistakes-and since it's going to happen in any case, we may as well accept it and learn from it.Recognizing our mistakes helps us to adjust our behavior so that we can get results we're more pleased with-so we might say that mistakes ultimately operate to make us happier and make things better. If we fear making mistakes, we become paralyzed we're afraid to do or try anything, since we might (infact, probably will) make some mistakes. If we restrict our activities so that we won't make mistakes, then we are really defeating ourselves- The more we try and the more mistakes we make, the faster we'll learn and the happier we'll be ultimately. Most people aren't going to be mad at us or dislike us because we make mistakes-they all make mistakes,and most people feel uncomfortable around perfect people.
We don't die if we make mistakes. Although such an essay does not guarantee that you will change, it can help get you started in the right direction. Jennifer reported an enormous improvernent the week aftershe wrote the essay. She found it useful in her studies tofocus on learning rather than obsessing constantly about whether or not she was great. As a result, her anxiety decreased and her ability to get things done increased. This relaxed, confident mood persisted through the final examinationperiod at the end of the first semester-a time of extreme anxiety for the majority of her classmates. As she explained, "I realized I didn't have to be perfect. I'm goingto make my share of mistakes. Sowhat? I can learn frommy mistakes, so there's nothing to worry about. " And she was right! Write a memo to yourself along these lines. Remind yourself that the world won't come to an end if you make a mistake, and point out the potential benefits. Then read the memo every morning for two weeks. I think this will go along way toward helping you join the human race! In your perfectionism you are undoubtedly great at focusing on all the ways you fall short. You have the bad habit of picking out the things you haven't done and ignoring those you have. You spend your life cataloging every mistake and shortcoming. No wonder you feel inadequate! Is somebody forcing you to do this? Do you like feeling that way?
Here's a simple method of reversing this absurd and painful tendency. Use a wrist counter to click off the things you do right each day. See how many points you can accumulate.This may sound so unsophisticated that you are convinced it couldn't help you. If so, experiment with it for two weeks. I predict you'll discover that you will begin to focus more on the positives in your life and will consequently feel better about yourself. It sounds simplistic because it is! But who cares, if it works?
Another helpful method involves exposing the absurdity in the all-or-nothing thinking that gives rise to your perfectionism. Look around you and ask yourself how many things in the world can be broken down into all-or-nothing categories. Are the walls around you totally clean? Or do they have at least some dirt? Am I totally effective with all of my writing? Or partially effective? Certainly every single paragraph of this blog isn't polished to perfection and breathtakingly helpful. Do you know anyone who is totally calm and confident all the time? Is your favorite movie star perfectly beautiful? Once you recognize that all-or-nothing thinking doesn't fit reality very often, then look out for your all-or-nothing thoughts throughout the day, and when you notice one, talk back to it and shoot it down. You'll feel better.
The next method to combat perfectionism involves personal disclosure. If you feel nervous or inadequate in a situation, then share it with people. Point out the things you feel you've done inadequately instead of covering them up.How to replace all-or-nothing thoughts with others that are more in tune with reality. These examples were contributed by a variety of individuals.
All-or-Nothing Thinking
1.What a lousy day!
2.This meal I cooked
3. really turned outterrible.
4. I'm too old.
5. Nobody loves me.
6. I'm a failure.
7. My career is over the hill.
8. My lecture was a flop!
9. My boyfriend doesn't like me!
Realistic Thoughts--
1. A couple of bad things have happened,but everything hasn't been a disaster.
2. t's not the best meal I evercooked, but it's okay.
3. Too old for what? Too old to have fun? No.
4.Too old for occasional sex? No.
5. Too old to enjoy friends? No.
6. Too old to love or be loved? No.
7. Too old to enjoy music? No.
8. Too old to do some productivework? No.
9. So what am I "too old" for? It really has no meaning!
10. Nonsense. I have many friends and family. I may not get as much love as I want when I want it, butI can work on this.
11. I've succeeded at some things and failed at others, just like everybody.
12. I can't do as much as when I was younger, but I can still work and produce and create, so why not enjoy it?
13. It wasn't the best lecture I ever gave. In fact, it was below my average. But I did get some points across, and I can work to improve my next lectures. Remember half my lectures will be below my average, and half will be above!
14. He doesn't like me enough for what? He may not want to marry me, but he takes me out on dates,so he must like me partially,
Ask people for suggestions on how to improve, and if they're going to reject you for being imperfect, let them do it and get it over with. If in doubt as to where you stand,ask if they think less of you when you make a mistake.if you do this, you must of course be prepared to handle the possibility that people will look down on you because of your imperfections. Do you want all that discomfort? ifyou want to continue and enjoy our friendship,and I hope you will, you'll just haveto accept the fact that I'm not perfect. Maybe
you'd be willing to look for mistakes I make and point them out to me so I can learn from you while I'm teaching you. When I stop making mistakes, I'll lose much of my capacity to grow. Recognizing and correcting my efforts and learning from them is one of my greatest assets. And if you can accept my humanity and imperfection, maybe you can also accept your own. Maybe you'll want to feel that it's okay for you to make mistakes too.This kind of dialogue transcends the possibility you will feel put down. Asserting your right to make mistakes will Paradoxically make you a greater human being. If the other person feels disappointed, the fault is really his for having set up the unrealistic expectation. You are more than human.If you don't buy into that foolish expectation, you won't have to become angry or defensive when you do goof up nor will you have to feel any sense of shame or embarrassment.The choice is clear-cut: You can either try to be perfect and end up miserable, Or You can aim to be human and imperfect and feel enhanced. Which do you choose?
The next method is to focus mentally on a time in your life when you were really happy. What image comes to mind? For me the image is of climbing down into Havasupai canyon one summer vacation when I was a student. T. canyon is an isolated part of the Grand Canon,and you have to hike into it or arrange for horses. Another method for overcoming perfectionism is the greed technique." This is based on the simple fact tha most of us try to be perfect so we can get ahead in life. I may not have occurred to you that you might end up much,more successful if your standards were lower.
Here's the last approach. It involves simple logic. Premise one: All human beings make mistakes. Do you agree? Okay, now tell me: What are you? A human being,you say? Okay. Now, what follows? Of course-you will and should make mistakes! Now tell yourself this every time you persecute yourself because you made an error. Just say,"I was supposed to make that mistake because I'm human!"or "How human of me to have made that mistake." In addition, ask yourself, "What can I learn from my mistake? Is there some good that could come from this?" As an experiment, think about some error you've made and write down everything you learned from it. Some of the best things can be learned only through making mistake sand learning from them. After all, this is how you learned to talk and walk and do just about everything. Would you be willing to give up that kind of growth? You may even so far as to say your imperfections and goof-ups are some of your greatest assets. Cherish them! Never give up your capacity for being wrong because then you lose the ability to move forward. In fact, just think what it would be like if you were perfect. There'd be nothing to learn, no way to improve, and life would be completely void of challenge and the satisfaction that comes from mastering something that takes effort. It would be like going to kindergarten forthe rest of your life. You'd know all the answers and win very game. Every project would be a guaranteed success because you would do everything correctly. People's conversations would offer you nothing because you'd already know it all. And most important, nobody could love or relate to you. It would be impossible, to feel any love for someone who was flawless and knew it all. Doesn't that sound lonely,boring, and miserable? Are you so sure you still want perfection?
Live Like this article?
Ok -I challenge you to try it for a single day. If you agree to accept my challenge I expect two things will occur. First, you won't be principally successful at being "average . Second, you will obtain significant pleasure from what you do. And if you keep this averageness up, I believe your fulfillment will increase and turn into joyfulness. Think of it this way, there are two doors to illumination and enlightenment.One door is labeled "Perfection," the other door is labeled "Average." The "Perfection" door is flamboyant, fanciful and seductive. It tempts you. You want very much to go through it. The "Average" door seems dingy and boring. Crap, who needs it? So you barge through the "Perfection" door, and always see a stone wall on the other side, you only end up with a nose bleed and a headache. On the other side of the "Average door, in contrast, there's a delightful garden. But it never occurred to you to open this door to look inside! You don't believe me? I didn't think so, and you don't have to. I want you to maintain your skepticism! It's healthy-but at the same time I dare you to check me out. Prove me wrong! Put my claim to the test. Walk through that "Average" door just one day in your life. You may end up amazed! Let me explain why.
"Perfection" is man's ultimate illusion.It simply doesn't exist in the universe. There is no perfection. It's really the world's greatest con game; it promises riches and delivers misery. The harder you strive for perfection, the worse your disappointment will become because it's only an abstraction, a concept that doesn't fit reality. Everything can be improved if you look at it closely and critically enough--every person, every idea, every work of art, every experience, everything. So if you are a perfectionist, you are guaranteed to be a loser in whatever you do. "Averageness" is another kind of illusion, but it's a benign deception, a useful construct. It's like a slot machine that pays a dollar fifty for every dollar you put in. It makes you rich--on all levels.If you're willing to explore this bizarre-sounding hypothesis, let's begin. But beware---don't let yourself become too average because you may not be used to so much euphoria. After all, a lion can eat only so much meat after the kill!
The best place to begin your fight against perfectionism is with your motivation for maintaining this approach. Make a list of the advantages and disadvantages of being perfectionistic. You may be surprised to learn that it is not actually to your advantage. Once you understand that it does not in fact help you in any way, you'll be much more likely to give it up.
Using your list of the advantages and disadvantages of perfectionism, you might want to do some experiments to test some of your assumptions about the advantages. Like many people, you may believe "Without my perfectionism I'd be nothing. I couldn't perform effectively." I'll bet you never put this hypothesis to the test because your belief in your inadequacy is such an automatic habit it has never even occurred to you to question it. Did you ever think that maybe you've been as successful as you are in spite of your perfectionism and not because of it! Here's an experiment that will allow you to come to the truth of the matter. Try altering your standards in various activities so you can see how your performance responds to high standards, middle standards,and low standards. The results may surprise you. I've done this , and in all cases I have been pleasantly shocked to discover that by lowering my standards not only do I feel better about what I do but I tend to do it more effectively. For example, I began jogging in January 1979 for the first time in my life. I live in a very hilly region, and initially I couldn't run more than two or three hundred yards without having to stop and walk because there are hills in all directions from my driveway. Each day I made it my aim to run a little less far than the day before. The effect of this was that I could always accomplish my goal easily. Then I would feel so good it would spur me on farther and every step was gravy, more than I had aimed for. Over a period of months I built up to the point at which I could run eight miles.
Advantages of Perfectionism
1. It can produce fine work.
Disadvantages
2.It makes me so "tight" and nervous.I'll try hard. I'll become afraid and unwilling to risk the mistakes necessary to come up with a fine product.
3. It makes me very critical of myself.I can't enjoy life because I can't admit my successes or allow myself to revel in them.
4. I can't ever relax because I'll always be able to find something somewhere that isn't perfect, and then I'll get self-critical.
5.Since I can never be perfect, I'll always be depressed.
6. It makes me intolerant of others.I end up without many friends because people don't appreciate being criticized. I find so many faults in people I lose my capacity to feel warm and to like them.
7. Another disadvantage is that my perfectionism keeps me from trying new things and making discoveries.I'm so afraid of making mistakes that I don't do much at all besides the same familiar things I'm good at. The result is that it narrows my world and makes me bored and restless because I have no new challenges. Even though I'd go miles over a steep terrain at a fairly rapid pace I have never abandoned my basic principles-to try to accomplish less than the day before. Because of this rule I never feel frustrated or disappointed in my running. There have been many days when due to sickness or fatigue, I actually didn't run far or fast. Today, for example, I could only run a quarter mile because I had a cold and my lungs said NO FARTHER! So I told myself, "This is as far as I was supposed to go." I felt good because I achieved my goal.Try this. Choose any activity, and instead of aiming for 100 percent, try for 80 percent, 60 percent, or 40 percent.Then see how much you enjoy the activity and how productive you become. Dare to aim at being average! It takes courage, but you may amaze yourself!
8. If you are a compulsive perfectionist you may believe that without aiming for perfection you couldn't enjoy life to the maximum or find true happiness. You can put this notion to the test. Record the actual amount of satisfaction you get from a wide range of activities, such as brushing your teeth,eating an Apple, walking in the woods, mowing the lawn,sun bathing, writing a report for work, etc. Now estimate how perfectly you did each activity between 0 and 100 percent. This will help you break the illusory connection between perfection and satisfaction.
9. Let's assume that you've decided to give up your perfectionism at least on a trial basis just to see what happens. However, you have the lingering notion that you really could be perfect in at least some areas if you tried hard enough, and that when you achieve this, something magical will happen. Let's take a hard look at whether this goal is realistic. Does a model of perfection ever really fit reality? Is there anything you have personally encountered that is so perfect it could not be improved? To test this, look around you right now and see how things could be improved. For example, take someones clothing, a flower arrangement, the color and clarity of a television picture, the quality of a singer's voice, the effectiveness of this article, anything at all. I believe you can always find some way in which something could be improved. When I first did this exercise, I was riding on a train. Most things, such as the dirty, rusty old tracks, were so obviously imperfect I could easily find many ways to improve them. Then I came to a problem area. A young black man had his hair in one of those fuzzy naturals. It looked perfectly smooth and sculptured, and I couldn't think of any way it could possibly be improved. I began to panic and saw my whole anti-perfectionist philosophy going down the drain! Then I suddenly noticed some spots of gray on his head. I felt instant relief! His hair was imperfect after all! As I looked more closely, I noticed a few hairs that were too long and out of place. The closer I examined the young man, the more uneven hairs I could see in fact! This helped convince me that any standard of perfection just doesn't fit reality. So why not give it up'? You are guaranteed to be a sure loser if you maintain a standard for evaluating your performance that you can't ever meet. Why persecute yourself any longer?
10. Another method for overcoming perfectionism involves a confrontation with fear. You may not be aware that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Fear is the fuel that drives your compulsion to polish things to the ultimate.If you choose to give up your perfectionism, you may initially have to confront this fear. Are you willing? There is, after all, a payoff in perfectionism--it protects you. it may protect you from risking criticism, failure, or disapproval.If you decide to start doing things less perfectly, at first you may feel as shaky as if a big California earthquake were about to hit.
If you don't appreciate the powerful role that fear plays in maintaining perfectionistic habits, the exacting behavior patterns of perfectionistic people can seem incomprehensible or infuriating. There is, for example, a bizarre illness known as "compulsive slowness," in which the victim becomes so totally bound up with getting things "just right" that simple everyday tasks can become totally consuming.An attorney with this brutal disorder became preoccupied with how his hair looked. For hours each day he would stand before a mirror with a comb and scissors trying to make adjustments. He became so involved in this, he had to cut back on his legal practice so he could have more and more time to work on his hair. Each day his hair got shorter and shorter because of all his furious clipping. Eventually it was only an eighth of an inch long all over his head. Then he became preoccupied with balancing the hairline along his forehead, and started shaving it to get it "just right." Each day the hairline receded farther and farther until eventually he had shaved his head totally bald. Then he felt a sense of relief and let it all grow back again, hoping it would come in "even." After the hair grew back, he would start clipping it again, and the whole process would be repeated.This ludicrous routine went on for years and left him a substantially disabled person. His case may seem extreme but cannot be considered severe. Far worse forms of the disease exist. Although the victims' strange habits may seem absurd, the effects are tragic. Like alcoholics, these individuals may sacrifice career and family to their miserable compulsions. You too may be paying heavily for your perfectionism. What motivates these exacting, over controlled individuals? Are they insane? Usually not. What traps them in the senseless drive for perfection is fear. The moment they try to stop what they are doing, they all gripped by a powerful uneasiness that rapidly escalates.This drives them back to their compulsive acts in a pathetic attempt at giving their perfectionism a chance to find relief. Getting them to normalcy is like trying to persuade a man hanging by his fingers from the edge of a cliff to let go.You may have noticed compulsive tendencies in yourself to a much less severe degree. This can be your golden opportunity to learn about the origin of your fears,using the vertical-arrow technique. Rather than run from your fear, sit still and confront the bogeyman! Ask yourself,"What am I afraid of?" "What's the worst that could happen?" Then write down your automatic thoughts and call their bluff. It will be frightening, but if you tough it out and endure the discomfort, you will conquer your fears because they are ultimately based on illusions.The exhilaration you experience when you make this transformation from worrier to warrior can be the start of a more confident assertive approach to living. However, failures can and do occur in life, and none of us are totally immune. It can be useful to prepare ahead of time for this possibility so that you can benefit from the experience. You can do this if you set things up in a "can't lose" fashion. How can you benefit from an actual failure? It's simple! You remind yourself that your life won't be destroyed. Getting a B, in fact, is one of the best things that can happen to you if you are a straight A student because it will force you to confront and accept your humanness. This will lead to personal growth. The real tragedy occurs when a student is so bright and compulsive that he or she successfully wards off any chance of failure through overwhelming personal effort, and ends up graduating with a perfect straight A average. The paradox in this situation is that success has a dangerous effect of turning these students into cripples or slaves whose lives become obsessively rigid attempts toward off the fear of being less than perfect. Their careers are rich in achievement but frequently impoverished in joy.
Another method for overcoming perfectionism involves developing a process orientation. This means you focus on processes rather than outcomes as a basis for evaluating things. When I first opened my business, I had the feeling I had to do outstanding work with each customer every time. I thought my customers and peers expected this of me, and so I worked my tail off all day long. When a customer stated he benefited from a our relationship, I'd tell myself I was successful and I'd feel on top of the world. In contrast,when someone gave me the runaround or responded negatively to that day's efforts, I'd feel miserable and tell myself I had failed. I got tired of the roller-coaster effect and reviewed the problem and thoughts that were extremely helpful, so I'll pass them on to you.I imagined I had a job driving a car to City Hall each day. Some days I'd hit mostly green lights and I'd make fast time. Other days I'd hit a lot of red lights and traffic jams,and the trip would take much longer. My driving skill would be the same each day, so why not feel equally satisfied with the job I did? I proposed I could facilitate this new way of looking at things by refusing to try to do an excellent job with anyone. Instead, I could aim for a good, consistent effort at each session regardless of how the someone responded, and in this way I could guarantee 100 percent success forever.
How could you set up process goals as a student? You could make it your aim to
(1) attend lectures;
(2) pay attention and take notes;
(3) ask appropriate questions;
(4) study each course between classes a certain amount each day;
(5) review class study notes every two or three weeks.
All these processes are within your control, so you can guarantee success. In contrast, your final grade is not under your control. It depends on how the professor feels that day,how well the other students did, where he sets the curve,etc.
How could you set up process goals if you were applying for a job? You could
(1) Dress in -a confident, appealing manner.
(2) Have your resume edited by a knowledgeable friend and typed professionally.
(3) Give the prospective employer one or more compliments during the interview.
(4) Express an interest in the company and encourage the interviewer to talk about himself. (5) When the prospective employer tells you about his work, say something positive,using an upbeat approach.
(6) If the interviewer makes a critical or negative comment about you, immediately agree,using the disarming technique (The art of fighting without fighting) Thus, when you are applying for work, do not make it your aim to get the job! Especially if you want the job! The outcome depends on numerous factors that are ultimately out of your control, including the number of applicants, their qualifications, who knows the boss's daughter, etc.
In fact, you would do better to try to get as many rejections as possible for the following reason: Suppose on the average it takes about ten to fifteen interviews for each acceptable job offer you receive in your profession (a typical batting average for people I know who have been recently looking for work) - This means you've got to go out and get those nine to fourteen rejections over with in order to get the job you want! So each morning say, "I'll try to get as many rejections as possible today." And each time you do get rejected you can say, "I was successfully rejected. This brings me one important step closer to my goal."
Another way to overcome perfectionism involves assuming responsibility for your life by setting strict time limits on all your activities for one week. This will help you change your perspective so you can focus on the flow of life and enjoy it. If you are a perfectionist, you are probably a real procrastinator because you insist on doing things so thoroughly.The secret to happiness is to set modest goals to accomplish them. If you want misery, then by all means cling to your perfectionism and procrastination. If you would like to change, then as you schedule your day in the morning, decide on the amount of time you will budget on each activity. Quit at the end of the time you have set aside whether or not you have completed it, and go onto the next project. If you play the piano and -tend to play for many hours or not at all, decide instead to play only an hour aday. I think you'll enhance your satisfaction and out put substantially this way.
I'll bet you're afraid of making mistakes! What's so terrible about making mistakes? Will the world come to an end if you're wrong? Show me a man who can't stand to be wrong, and I'll show you a man who is afraid to take risks and has given up the capacity for growth. A particularly powerful method for defeating perfectionism involves learning to make mistakes.Here's how you can do this. Write an essay in which you spell out why it is both irrational and self-defeating to tryto be perfect or to fear making mistakes. The following was written by Jennifer, : "Why Its Great to Be Able to Make Mistakes" -- I fear making mistakes because I see everything in absolutist, perfectionistic terms--one mistake and the whole is ruined. This is erroneous. A small mistake certainly doesn't ruin an otherwise fine whole.
It's good to make mistakes because then we learn in fact, we won't learn unless we make mistakes. No one can avoid making mistakes-and since it's going to happen in any case, we may as well accept it and learn from it.Recognizing our mistakes helps us to adjust our behavior so that we can get results we're more pleased with-so we might say that mistakes ultimately operate to make us happier and make things better. If we fear making mistakes, we become paralyzed we're afraid to do or try anything, since we might (infact, probably will) make some mistakes. If we restrict our activities so that we won't make mistakes, then we are really defeating ourselves- The more we try and the more mistakes we make, the faster we'll learn and the happier we'll be ultimately. Most people aren't going to be mad at us or dislike us because we make mistakes-they all make mistakes,and most people feel uncomfortable around perfect people.
We don't die if we make mistakes. Although such an essay does not guarantee that you will change, it can help get you started in the right direction. Jennifer reported an enormous improvernent the week aftershe wrote the essay. She found it useful in her studies tofocus on learning rather than obsessing constantly about whether or not she was great. As a result, her anxiety decreased and her ability to get things done increased. This relaxed, confident mood persisted through the final examinationperiod at the end of the first semester-a time of extreme anxiety for the majority of her classmates. As she explained, "I realized I didn't have to be perfect. I'm goingto make my share of mistakes. Sowhat? I can learn frommy mistakes, so there's nothing to worry about. " And she was right! Write a memo to yourself along these lines. Remind yourself that the world won't come to an end if you make a mistake, and point out the potential benefits. Then read the memo every morning for two weeks. I think this will go along way toward helping you join the human race! In your perfectionism you are undoubtedly great at focusing on all the ways you fall short. You have the bad habit of picking out the things you haven't done and ignoring those you have. You spend your life cataloging every mistake and shortcoming. No wonder you feel inadequate! Is somebody forcing you to do this? Do you like feeling that way?
Here's a simple method of reversing this absurd and painful tendency. Use a wrist counter to click off the things you do right each day. See how many points you can accumulate.This may sound so unsophisticated that you are convinced it couldn't help you. If so, experiment with it for two weeks. I predict you'll discover that you will begin to focus more on the positives in your life and will consequently feel better about yourself. It sounds simplistic because it is! But who cares, if it works?
Another helpful method involves exposing the absurdity in the all-or-nothing thinking that gives rise to your perfectionism. Look around you and ask yourself how many things in the world can be broken down into all-or-nothing categories. Are the walls around you totally clean? Or do they have at least some dirt? Am I totally effective with all of my writing? Or partially effective? Certainly every single paragraph of this blog isn't polished to perfection and breathtakingly helpful. Do you know anyone who is totally calm and confident all the time? Is your favorite movie star perfectly beautiful? Once you recognize that all-or-nothing thinking doesn't fit reality very often, then look out for your all-or-nothing thoughts throughout the day, and when you notice one, talk back to it and shoot it down. You'll feel better.
The next method to combat perfectionism involves personal disclosure. If you feel nervous or inadequate in a situation, then share it with people. Point out the things you feel you've done inadequately instead of covering them up.How to replace all-or-nothing thoughts with others that are more in tune with reality. These examples were contributed by a variety of individuals.
All-or-Nothing Thinking
1.What a lousy day!
2.This meal I cooked
3. really turned outterrible.
4. I'm too old.
5. Nobody loves me.
6. I'm a failure.
7. My career is over the hill.
8. My lecture was a flop!
9. My boyfriend doesn't like me!
Realistic Thoughts--
1. A couple of bad things have happened,but everything hasn't been a disaster.
2. t's not the best meal I evercooked, but it's okay.
3. Too old for what? Too old to have fun? No.
4.Too old for occasional sex? No.
5. Too old to enjoy friends? No.
6. Too old to love or be loved? No.
7. Too old to enjoy music? No.
8. Too old to do some productivework? No.
9. So what am I "too old" for? It really has no meaning!
10. Nonsense. I have many friends and family. I may not get as much love as I want when I want it, butI can work on this.
11. I've succeeded at some things and failed at others, just like everybody.
12. I can't do as much as when I was younger, but I can still work and produce and create, so why not enjoy it?
13. It wasn't the best lecture I ever gave. In fact, it was below my average. But I did get some points across, and I can work to improve my next lectures. Remember half my lectures will be below my average, and half will be above!
14. He doesn't like me enough for what? He may not want to marry me, but he takes me out on dates,so he must like me partially,
Ask people for suggestions on how to improve, and if they're going to reject you for being imperfect, let them do it and get it over with. If in doubt as to where you stand,ask if they think less of you when you make a mistake.if you do this, you must of course be prepared to handle the possibility that people will look down on you because of your imperfections. Do you want all that discomfort? ifyou want to continue and enjoy our friendship,and I hope you will, you'll just haveto accept the fact that I'm not perfect. Maybe
you'd be willing to look for mistakes I make and point them out to me so I can learn from you while I'm teaching you. When I stop making mistakes, I'll lose much of my capacity to grow. Recognizing and correcting my efforts and learning from them is one of my greatest assets. And if you can accept my humanity and imperfection, maybe you can also accept your own. Maybe you'll want to feel that it's okay for you to make mistakes too.This kind of dialogue transcends the possibility you will feel put down. Asserting your right to make mistakes will Paradoxically make you a greater human being. If the other person feels disappointed, the fault is really his for having set up the unrealistic expectation. You are more than human.If you don't buy into that foolish expectation, you won't have to become angry or defensive when you do goof up nor will you have to feel any sense of shame or embarrassment.The choice is clear-cut: You can either try to be perfect and end up miserable, Or You can aim to be human and imperfect and feel enhanced. Which do you choose?
The next method is to focus mentally on a time in your life when you were really happy. What image comes to mind? For me the image is of climbing down into Havasupai canyon one summer vacation when I was a student. T. canyon is an isolated part of the Grand Canon,and you have to hike into it or arrange for horses. Another method for overcoming perfectionism is the greed technique." This is based on the simple fact tha most of us try to be perfect so we can get ahead in life. I may not have occurred to you that you might end up much,more successful if your standards were lower.
Here's the last approach. It involves simple logic. Premise one: All human beings make mistakes. Do you agree? Okay, now tell me: What are you? A human being,you say? Okay. Now, what follows? Of course-you will and should make mistakes! Now tell yourself this every time you persecute yourself because you made an error. Just say,"I was supposed to make that mistake because I'm human!"or "How human of me to have made that mistake." In addition, ask yourself, "What can I learn from my mistake? Is there some good that could come from this?" As an experiment, think about some error you've made and write down everything you learned from it. Some of the best things can be learned only through making mistake sand learning from them. After all, this is how you learned to talk and walk and do just about everything. Would you be willing to give up that kind of growth? You may even so far as to say your imperfections and goof-ups are some of your greatest assets. Cherish them! Never give up your capacity for being wrong because then you lose the ability to move forward. In fact, just think what it would be like if you were perfect. There'd be nothing to learn, no way to improve, and life would be completely void of challenge and the satisfaction that comes from mastering something that takes effort. It would be like going to kindergarten forthe rest of your life. You'd know all the answers and win very game. Every project would be a guaranteed success because you would do everything correctly. People's conversations would offer you nothing because you'd already know it all. And most important, nobody could love or relate to you. It would be impossible, to feel any love for someone who was flawless and knew it all. Doesn't that sound lonely,boring, and miserable? Are you so sure you still want perfection?
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